What to Expect

Last night when flipping through the latest New Yorker, I came across a cartoon that made me laugh and, more than that, inspired a little imitation. (Some of you may know that I'm a big fan of the ancient practice of imitation--for more, see Ancient Rhetorics for Contemporary Students, which I co-author with Sharon Crowley. I think there's a chapter on imitation somewhere in there. Don't buy the book, for crying out loud. It's too expensive. Just go to your composition program's office and borrow a copy.)

Anyway, the cartoon, on page 64, is titled "What to Expect When You're Alive," and it features three panels, which read as follows:

The 461st Month: You might find yourself taking all your mail and dumping it down the incinerator chute. Don't worry--it's normal.

The 543rd Month: During this month, it's possible that you will hate everyone you've ever met. This will pass.

The 612th Month: Don't be alarmed if you should suddenly start to wonder--no, REALLY wonder--about everything. It's very common in your condition.

[I would have scanned the cartoon, but I've tried to get permission to use a New Yorker cartoon before--it's very, very costly. Besides, the text is the funniest part in this instance] 

And of course the cartoon inspired me to write a few lines under a title "What to Expect When You're in Academia," with an obvious invitation to folks to add more tips--and a special request to those of you who have the actual volume at hand for even better imitation fun.

The 1st Month: During this month, you may feel as if you're stealing, as if it's somehow wrong for you to be getting paid for doing what you love: reading cool stuff and enlightening the masses. This will pass by the second month.

The 2nd Month: You may receive a paycheck. Do not be alarmed if it isn't enough to pay your rent. You can always sell your comic books or your car or open a visa account.

The 6th Month: During this month, you will find yourself enthralled with a new theory and begin to see the world in a new light.

The 10th Month: During this month, you will find yourself enthralled with another new theory and begin to see the world in a new light. Don't be surprised if this happens every four months or so, or in a really good graduate seminar, even weekly.

The 14th Month: People you're talking to get a faraway look in their eyes. This should not alarm you. When they walk away as you approach, you might want to think about reading less theory and watching more television.

The 50th Month: By now, your friend who conceived when you began graduate school has a son or daughter who can read as well as you. And you still haven't taken your preliminary exams. Your friend, the new parent, does not want to hear about your preliminary exams. Don't worry; this is normal.

The 66th Month: You begin to see implications of your dissertation everywhere--mall parking lots, tree limbs, the corner store. It's very common in your condition.

The 130th Month: During this month, it's possible that you will hate everyone you've ever met, except one or two people in your situation who also hate everyone they've ever met. This may or may not pass.

Comments

[katka]

Hey blogos,
Since I have my doubts that you actually own the "actual volume" that is the source of the parody (unless there's some big news you're not reporting), I feel I must add that missing from both your version and The New Yorker's are the stern admonitions to not do anything that might endanger life, like eat a bagel.

[dhawhee]

Heh. Yah, I tried to look at the free excerpt in Amazon, and it was MUCH creepier than this parody allows. But here are some actual lines that could well apply in this scenario:
"It would be suprising if you weren't tired . . . Since your fatigue is legitimate, don't fight it."
And "Overproduction of saliva is a common symptom of" academia.

[collin]

The 188th Month: It is not uncommon, during this month, to encounter a weblog post prompting you to re-calculate your life and provoking the discovery that what has seemed like a lifetime has, in fact, been much, much longer. Get over it.

[Lance]

In the 11th month, you will be convinced that you are very smart, and very, very cool. This will pass by the 50th month.

[dhawhee]

...only to return in the 48th month, about the time of your preliminary exams, and then again to disappear after the post-exam hangover wears off.

[dhawhee]

If in the 52nd month you begin to have nightmares about your advisor rescuing you from a fire--or, equally common, throwing you into one--do not be alarmed. This is a normal sign of your relation with your advisor.

[Richard]

Ah, but what about when/if you actually land an academic job after finishing the dissertation?

Does the counting start over?

"What To Expect When You're Junior Faculty"?

The First Month: You are full of energy and hope. Everything you have learned in graduate school will be useful to you as you prepare to educate the huddled masses yearning to think free. Do not worry -- these feelings will pass.

[dhawhee]

Hi Richard! I (cleverly) titled this what to expect in academia, and there's a big hole there for people to fill in--I am, for example, in about my 188th month.

Speaking of which, I have to post a friend of mine's contribution, received via email.

"120th month: can't recall what interests you about the occupation that you've chosen, but you feel compelled to do everything you can to get tenure."